In the mindfulness meditation on the Headspace app, there’s this idea of ‘starting at one’. After a little intro to get settled, Andy’s soothing voice tells me to rest my attention on the breath. Not to change it or breathe deeply/slowly/whatever, just notice it. Then we count: one on the inhale, two on the exhale. Inhale three, exhale four. “Just up to a count of ten, then start again at one,” he says.
The mind will get distracted. “That’s okay,” he says, calm and unworried. “Once you notice you’ve become distracted, gently bring the attention back to the breath and start at one.”
When I first started meditation, I remember getting frustrated at my total inability to concentrate. I can’t even focus on my breath for ten fucking minutes? What kind of stupid idiot can’t keep her mind contained for as long as it takes to eat a burger? Andy has repeatedly, probably hundreds of times, reminded me: You will get distracted. This is normal. This is ok. When it happens, start again at one.
Then I read this post by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits. I strongly recommend reading it, but I’ll summarise the part that struck me. Leo suggested that ‘start at one’ is applicable to lots of areas of your life. He described struggling with a research project and was frustrated that he hadn’t already put in the work he anticipated he would get through. He felt behind. He was annoyed he hadn’t progressed more. When he relayed this to his mentor, she recommended: Start at one.
Something clicked in me when I read that: there are mindsets that kill perfectionism. ‘Start at one’ is a mindset I have repeatedly deployed to get back on track without getting angry or frustrated. I learned through constant, sometimes painful repetition that anger and frustration won’t get me back on track any faster. Letting go of my expectation that I can perfectly control my mind 100% of the time is the only way forward. Got off track? Got distracted? Didn’t perform exactly as you might hope? Start at one.
I think most people have this mindset, but it’s hidden in another domain. It’s likely that there is something you’ve practiced over and over without trying for perfection. Maybe look outside work to something fun in your life, something where failure was a challenge, or where there was no fail state at all – video games, rock climbing, drawing, reading fiction. I’m not sure how to extract the helpful mindset from these other activities for use in the perfectionism-riddled areas of your life, but I think knowing this mindset exists and is available is half the battle.
As I write this, it’s the first blog post for this website. It’s the first one I attempted to write and the first idea I had. After reading Leo’s blog, I knew this topic was important to me. My perfectionism gets in the way of being productive and happy literally every day. It infects every part of my life: writing at work, reading papers, engaging my supervisors to get feedback, talking with friends, maintaining romantic relationships. Perfectionism drives me to high standards, but it makes failure painful and difficult to move past. The long, agonising process of getting over failure – dragging myself over the coals of feeling like a disappointment whom no-one will ever love – more often prevents productivity in the present rather than encouraging productivity in the future. It gets in the way.
With meditation, there is no way of getting it right all the time. The mind will always wander. As I improved, my mind wandered less, but no session is “perfect”. I don’t think I’ve ever got through a sitting without my mind wandering. I am always a beginner. I am forever starting at one. The only way forward is to let go of the stress, the pressure, the perfectionism, and get comfortable returning the mind to the task at hand. Bring the attention back to the breath. Start at one.
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